WARNING!

This post includes details of my labor and delivery. If you do not want the graphic details, skip this post.

It was hard to decide when to induce. Babies who have died in the womb deteriorate quickly and I was hoping to see, hold and photograph Gabriel, so I wanted to induce as soon as possible, so my mom and I headed to Riverbend around 9:30 PM on the evening when I found out his heart had stopped. Todd headed in to work to try and get one more shift in before labor or delivery. My doctor said it would be highly unlikely for me to go into labor before 7:30 AM, so I was hoping to begin the labor process by morning, but not before.

Because I was not dilated at all, my doctor wanted to use Misoprostol to start my labor, but the specialists recommended that it NOT be used due to my previous Caesarian. Misoprostol leads to a greater risk of uterine rupture. The specialists suggested a technique that my doctor had never tried before; a Cervical Ripening Balloon. A catheter was inserted into my uterus with a saline balloon on either side of the cervical canal. Saline is pumped into the balloons to put pressure on both sides of my cervix. Then, you leave it in for 12 hours. This procedure was awkward and uncomfortable, but not painful. Over the next hour, I started to cramp, so I accepted the Tylenol and sleeping pill and slept through the night.

At 6:00 AM, I got an in-room phone call, but I didn’t get to it in time, so I still don’t know who that was. If it was you, let me know 

I was glad I made it through the night without needing to call Todd away from work.

9:30 AM- My doctor checked me and said I was dilated to one. I was like, ONE! All that for one? But my doctor said, that was great, because we just needed to get my body started. Then they started pitosin.

10:00 AM- Todd arrived. I started having gentle contractions without pain.

11:00 AM- Dr. Haugen broke my water. This was not painful. She couldn’t reach the bag unless I was having a contraction, so we had to wait and then the rush of warm liquid was unbelievable. I said, “I feel like I’m sitting in a hot-tub.” Each contraction brought on another huge gush of fluid. This was a very strange feeling.

12:00 PM- No more food for me, because my contractions were strengthening and getting closer together. They kept offering the epidural or other pain relief. This was also a hard decision for me. I knew I wanted to get an epidural eventually because I didn’t want to worry about the pain during delivery and after. When you are induced, sometimes the placenta doesn’t detach and it can require a painful process to get it out. I also had heard that the stitching up afterwards can be the worst part. So, when my contractions got to about a 7/10 on the pain scale, I asked for the epidural.

2:30- I had a spinal block with Maylee, so I knew a little of how this would go. They had a nice massage table that you lean your head into and Todd was able to hold my hands as I sat on the side of the bed and faced him hunched over. The anesthesiologist first gave me a shot to numb the area. This isn’t bad and feels like a bee sting for a short time. It didn’t hurt when the small catheter was entered into my spinal column, but when the fluid was injected and it rubs against your exposed nerve endings. That is painful. She decided to give me another numbing shot and then more of the medicine and I just started crying. I remembered the happy excitement of this procedure with Maylee and I felt sad to have this pain, but not get the result of a baby. Plus, it hurt a lot. 

BUT, as soon as that was over I laid down in bed and felt like I was enveloped in a warm cocoon and my legs got tingly and warm and I slept for about 30 minutes. When the nurse asked if I could feel the contractions, I said, “I had a contraction?” So they went from a seven to a zero in about five minutes. I’d do that again…

3:30- The nurse came in to give me a catheter and my contractions had strengthened to where I could feel them through the epidural and they began to move to more of a rectal type cramping which was strange. When the nurse was looking a way, I felt a strong contraction and felt like a bubble and said, “Oh, is that him?” and she looked and said, “Oh, yea, there he is.”

I’m not kidding. It really was that easy. The nurse pushed all her pagers and three nurses came rushing in. They were trying to wait for my Dr. to get there before they cut the cord, but she was sleeping in a near by room and it was taking a while, so they went ahead and let Todd cut the cord and they laid Gabriel right on my chest. He was very dark. I joked about having a black baby, but the nurse said that’s what’s they look like when they have passed earlier. I also thought he felt so warm and he didn’t look small to me. His legs seemed long and still crossed at the ankle as they always were in the ultrasounds; he’s very private.  The cutest nose ever! I’ve never seen such a round, tiny nose. Sadly, his skin was extremely fragile, so we could not move him or clean him. There were several places where his skin was gone and yet, I just loved him. I wanted to shelter him from the world, but was so glad he was not in pain.

When I first got him, he had one eye open and his mouth was in an ooo position; like he was sucking. Cute tiny little lips. He had perfect little feet too!

My doctor arrived and luckily the placenta detached and I delivered it without feeling. She said I didn’t tear at all, so I didn’t need any stitches. In retrospect, I wondered if I even needed the epidural, but yes, it was totally worth it to me, to curb my anxiety about any pain and I could fully focus on Gabriel for the short time I had with him.

Claudia, the photographer, arrived shortly after and she was wonderful because she just took control and set up her equipment and tucked things and placed things and I could just focus on Gabriel and depend on her to create keepsakes for me. I found myself continually wanting to pull his blanket up over his face to cover him and shelter him from people looking and she would gently pull the blanket back to get him in the pictures. I was almost doing it subconsciously. Todd was also very protective of anyone moving Gabriel because he was so fragile.

Maylee knew she wanted to see Gabriel. Todd and I were worried that the sight of him would scare her, so we asked the doctor and she said that if she already had the expectation of seeing him and then we told her that she couldn’t see him, that her imagination would be way worse than actually seeing him, so we decided to bring her in alone and let her uncover Gabriel as she wanted. We told her to start with the feet. She sped in and said, “Where is he?” I said, “He’s right here under this blanket.” She said, “I want to see him!” Todd had already warned her about his appearance. I said, “Lift right here and see his feet.” She said, “Oh, they’re so cute.” And she wanted to touch them and rub them. Then she pulled back the blanket near his face and she said, “Ewww, he looks bad.” Then she turned to daddy and cried into his shoulder, so he took her away and we told her it was fine either way to see him or not and she said, “I want to see him, but I’m scared.” And we told her whatever she wanted to do was fine. After a few comforting minutes with dad, she wanted to come back and look at all of him and she said, “Oh, he’s got a cute nose, I want to see his bottom, I like his feet, He’s cute!”

By that time, our Pastor, Brett Gilchrest, had arrived and we invited my family in for a quick bed side service and prayer. My mom, sister and dad came in and my dad just broke down. My family is so amazing and so fully there with me, I think they hurt more than I do. Brett’s message was amazing, but I was a little distracted by the preciousness of my baby. After the prayer, Todd helped wrap Gabriel up in a tight blanket, so he could hold him. He got a picture with his dad’s cross, Gabriel and his tattoo that says Faith that was motivated by both his father’s and Gabriel’s passing.

Then, each of my family members took their turn holding Gabriel. When he was handed back to me, you could already see how his little body was deteriorating. Both eyes were open now and his mouth was more open because his jaw was drooping a bit. He had a little trickle of blood coming out of his nose and I asked my sister for a tissue and gently wiped his nose. Then I gave the tissue to my sister and asked her to put it in the keepsake box. It just seemed like a very real part of him and possibly the only real part of him that I would have later.

I felt so sad that I couldn’t make him better.

The nurses said that when I was ready, they would like to take him to get his measurements and footprints. I said I was ready and they were very sweet and tender as they carried him into the next room and excited to come back and show us the footprints they’d gotten.

It was hard to think of him over the next hour or so in the room next to us, but I was afraid that it would be harder and harder to see his little body as time passed. Now that its been a few days, I wish he was in the room next door, no matter what he looked like, so I could go hold him. I feel so empty. I thought I just wanted “a” baby, but I love “this” baby so much and I miss him. I’m not an affectionate person, but with my kids, I want to touch them, kiss, them and love them constantly all over their little bodies and I’m so sad that I can’t lavish that love on Gabriel.

I was feeling like I wanted to get up and walk around within an hour, but the nurses wanted me to wait a little while longer. When I finally got up, it was easy. I almost felt like nothing had happened to my body. I just felt really soft everywhere. We were ready to go home around 5, but doctors orders kept us there until 10, so my parents brought us a Redbox movie, “Bandslam” (cute movie) and Todd and I snuggled in the tiny bed and watched a movie.

When the funeral home came to get Gabriel, they asked if we wanted to say goodbye and we said, no, due to the fears mentioned earlier, and we felt like we already said good-bye, but its amazing how that desire to actually hold the little body changes as even just a few days pass. Wish I would have held him, but also understand the reality that it may have traumatized me more.

We loaded up and went home around 9:45 PM. Todd was very sensitive and helpful getting me all set up and in bed and we both slept easily through the night.